olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
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[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…