husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
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So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.