Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
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[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.