“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.