Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
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The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower