My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
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I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay