I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
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[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
this is the best day of my life
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Baller is short for ballerina
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *