Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
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Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.