[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
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American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
My current situation
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
The glockness monster
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park