*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
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Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
are they though??
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.