The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
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Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.