I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
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[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground