want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
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Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
That earthquake could have been an email.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!