[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
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*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
when the buffet is more honest than your date
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
early stone age tool
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…