Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
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Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again