Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
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DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
A short story of betrayal:
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .