15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
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Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
live, laugh, laundry.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.