Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
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roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
philosophical skeletons be like
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”