I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
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I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”