me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
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Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
The dark side of Canada
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons