The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
You Might Also Like
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.