[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
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I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Guy who likes music
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Finally!
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.