If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
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The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Meme Monday.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.