Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
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[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
😎 🍻
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*