I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
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wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks