“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
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*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
good let them take over I have had enough
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore