Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
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Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry