[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
You Might Also Like
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.