“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
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Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.