recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
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Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this