I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
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Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW