Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
relationship goals