Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
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*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer