Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
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People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
How dude HOW?!
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.