There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
You Might Also Like
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I occasionally drink every single night.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone