“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
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*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus