Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
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Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Customer is always right
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull