an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
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Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
We avoided this particular disaster
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?