I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
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Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
#parenting
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
😜
Writing, She Murdered.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money