I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
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INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Basically.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample