My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
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Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
*sewing*
A thread
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.