People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
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*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
How do dragons blow out candles?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Me buying fruit and veg
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard