$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
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My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
181.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry