To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Its true…
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.