Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
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[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.