5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
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Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.