Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
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Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Check out the legs on this baby
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Name this drama.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”