I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
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Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.