I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
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WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
X-tra spooky blend
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.