Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
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Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
😬
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground